Progressing through grad school

To liven up this year of grad school, I'll just ramble off a few things we did and show you some pictures. Then, we'll graduate and move on.

When I got to Rochester I realized we were so close to Canada that we would go at some point. Someone didn't have his passport....no worries. Happy birthday. I bought you your passport. The weekend after he got it we drove up to Kingston just because we could. Went to a bar and to the movies. I still don't have any stamps in my passport but I'll be changing that for my honeymoon.


Of course we went to Niagara Falls. Several times actually. The first time just the two of us, then with my mom and little sister, then with some friends. The last time, we visited the Canadian side. This was during football season because the UA v LSU game was that Saturday.  Our friends (Northerners) thought we were kidding when we said it doesn't matter where we eat, as long as we can see the TV and the game is on it. But we aren't laughing though. I literally called the restaurant to see if they could seat 8 in an area visible to the TV.  They said yes, but when we got there they couldn't. We sat at the bar. Think it's a game. No. LSU won that night. He was happy. It's cool though. Because who won the championship? That's right. Roll Tide. I don't remember the point of the Niagara Falls trip. But it was a good time.

Camping is one of those things I like to do that people say black people don't do. And surprisingly enough my honey can appreciate a good camping trip. My only request is plumbing. I don't pee in the woods. Since there's not much to do in upstate NY we went camping before the winter, because no one is camping in the snow. We went on a nature walk and did I mention I'm afraid of snakes? When they're slithering, mostly. But DO NOT LIKE. As we're walking this snake crossed the path and I F.R.O.Z.E. Granted he was a skinny worm of a thing but IDC IDC IDC!! It was a snake.  And he laughed at me because the snake was so small. I mean does the size of the snake change the strength of his poison?? I'm pretty sure it does NOT. Ugh! Hate those things. Then, that night while sleeping in the tent my dog begins to bark at noises outside. I am not familiar with the wild animals of upstate NY so in my head there's a pack of deer out there. Or bears! (What's a group of bears called?) So I'm like "Hey. Babe. What's out there?" As if he knows...he doesn't... And certainly doesn't want to go see! We really wanted Raven to shut up so whatever it was would leave. We'd left the cooler outside of the tent but it didn't sound like the animal was in the cooler. We tried peeping out of the tent to see and of course there are no street lights. So we can't see...and then....I had to pee....hahaha. He told me to hold it! hahaha Sir. No. I gotta pee. We eventually got the flashlight on this animal: Racoon and her 2 offspring eating Raven's dog food. Our bad Raven. Have a hotdog. The racoon ran away when it saw us and I got to go potty.

Since you know what I'm afraid of, let me tell you about my guy here. We were riding along I-81 and he was checking something on his phone. Out of nowhere he throws his phone at me and says, "GET IT!" I'm like WTF?! Get what?? "Spider on my phone!" hahahaha Oh sweetie. I love you. From then on I try to kill spiders on the sly. Especially if they're near him.  He's convinced his life is in danger. And don't let him see a spider web. Find that killer and kill it!!

Ignore the drunken Busick

In December we went to a military ball. I love getting dressed up. Shopping for formal wear is probably my favorite thing to shop for. Next to shoes. There was an older man there (I don't remember his rank) that really was jamming. Like old school doing the mashed potato. It was adorable. Penny wouldn't let me dance with him LOL. We were the life of this party because we like to dance. Throughout the night people would comment on how great we were. I'm bragging a little. But I like to know the chemistry between us is obvious.  Anyone you spend this much time with should make you happy. I am able to tune out the world when I am with him or opt to let them in. Either way I'm happy.  At the end of the night one of the military wives asked me how long we'd been married. When I told her we weren't married, we'd been dating for a year and a half she seemed surprised. And told me it looked as if we'd been together forever....either that or we were still in newlywed bliss. LOL I liked her.

Random snippets

My stories during grad school are all a blur. I have very little recollection of the order of these events so they may be a bit random unless tied to a particular holiday. Enjoy these random nuggets.

Our birthdays are both in August, the 11th and 12th so we of course decided to celebrate them together.  We had no idea what Rochester had to offer since I had only been there a month so it was kind of a random chain of events. For my birthday we went to dinner at a spot called One. Then out to a club.  In hindsight this club was a bad choice.  I'm pretty sure there were a lot of drag 'queens' (read: peasants) in that place.  But we had fun anyway. The music reminded us of undergrad which is weird because though we probably attended a lot of the same parties we never partied together. He also is pretty sexy when he Dougies (it's on my list of things I find hott that I don't see enough of; I'll share that with you one day).  I don't really care how far out of style that dance goes he can do it for me any time. We drank and danced. It sounds simple, and was simple. But we enjoyed the time together. He got me pretty inebriated. I walked/stammered back to the car talking to the sparkles in the sidewalk. It's much funnier in person and hard to detail in a blog.

I'm a fairly possessive person.  That can be taken in a few ways. But when I don't like a person, it's pretty consistent.  So there's a person I don't really care for one way or the other; of course, she's an ex. I was looking for a phone charger in his apartment one day and found a birthday card from this woman. It was about how he'll always be her "go to, number 1, got it all guy." Mmmhmm. Whatever chick. Nah he won't. The card was signed but not dated, so I don't really know what birthday this was from. In either case, I didn't like the card. I mostly didn't like that it still existed. I'm gonna guess it was from when he was in Afghanistan because it was with some other cards from then. Anyway, I sent a picture of it to my friend. Yes. Yes I did. I'm petty. Who gon check me?? I really only did it so she can have that same "Nuh unh girl!" reaction as me. That's all we do that crap for. That little moment where somebody hypes you up. Because let's be honest. I wasn't going to do anything about this card or the person that sent it. I'm not a fighter....most of the time. I did, however, tuck that card into my bag, ripped it up when I got home and threw it in the dumpster. Eff her and her feelings.

I met this guy while in grad school. He was cool but something about him felt a little off. Not initially. So we started hanging out and Tharius didn't like it. He's a little possessive too. He tries to act like he isn't....but...dude. Yea, you are. Anyway I went to hang out with this guy and lied and said I was somewhere else. I just didn't want to deal with the drama and the who what where when why....I mean it's not that serious. Yes, I am aware of how stupid that sounds. Anyway so Tharius found out later that I'd lied and, within reason, was pretty hot about it.  It turned into an argument, mostly about the lie. Which is what I was trying to avoid. Because then he thought I was cheating, but I genuinely believe in the ability of men and women to be platonic friends. You would think with all of his female friends he would too. But there's the double standard for you.  The argument wasn't really like our previous arguments. There was a calm, more discussion.  I guess this is when we began to mature.  There are more, personal details to this story, but the point has been made.

Geez, grad school was b o r i n g for our relationship stories...I'm really trying to think of things that happened. But literally all I remember is working part time and going to class. It kinda sucked. For both of us because he'd want to talk and I'd have to study. So I called him one day, randomly.  And asked him what he was doing. "Nothing," he says. Shocker...."Would you like to go on a date with me this weekend?" I asked. Of course this is all kinda out the blue so he sits there. Then he's like "What??" And LAUGHS (remember that). So I had to ask again. And despite my being his girlfriend for ever a year now, I was still nervous to ask him out on a date. I guess because it was different. Of course he said yes. Imagine how the rest of this blog would go if he'd said no. HA! So that weekend I was planning to go to him. For whatever reason he came to Rochester. Kinda messed my date up but it worked out.  Saturday morning I got up and started getting dressed. Told him what time he needed to be ready, and I left while he was in the shower. I walked down the street to a floral shop. His favorite flowers are carnations (it's a frat thing). They didn't have any. So I ended up getting white daisies. I took my time getting back because I wanted him to wonder where I was and I wanted him to be dressed when I got there. I knocked on the door (of my own apartment) and he opened it with confusion. Yes, this is a REAL date. He laughed (again) when I gave him flowers.  Then, I took him to get a couple's massage and then to dinner.  He was impressed. Either that or shocked it was a real date. We decided to do the date thing often, although we've both been slipping lately. We'll fix that when he moves in August.

Dinner during our date

Getting to Rochester

I moved to Rochester in July 2011. Worst. trip. ever. It was costly, tiring, unenjoyable. I simply hated it. Tharius flew down to drive back with me. I rented a Budget truck and a car dolly to make the 16 hour drive north the weekend after Independence Day.  Let me tell you why I will resist every opportunity to rent a moving truck from Budget. They are the least expensive for long distance moves that I found. And this makes perfectly good sense after my experience with them.  When I went to pick the truck up, they gave me a truck with a hole in the back. "Oh. It's just the sunlight through the fiberglass," the old man says. -_- Sir. I know the difference between SKY and FIBERGLASS. So I insisted on them giving me a different truck. We intended to leave early one morning but the lights on the dolly weren't connecting to the truck.  It's illegal to drive them without proper working signal lights. So before this journey even began, I had to call Budget's roadside assistance. He got lost coming to my house and when he got there discovered it was a blown fuse. Sigh. These are things Budget should know. We finally got on the road in the evening.  It was dark by the time we reached TN and a storm was abrewin.  It started to rain while I was driving. Then the bottom fell out and it began to pour. I felt damp on my back. After I saw the window was not open or cracked, I asked Tharius to see if there was water dripping or something. Yes. Yes, there was. More like trickling into the cab of this truck. I pulled over to a gas station to at least get out of the rain to figure out what was going on. Raven (my dog) was between the seats with her food and water bowl now filled with water. WHAT. IN. THE. HELL?! I called my mom who says "You might wanna check the bed of the truck." All of Jesus' GLORY!! Rain was not only inside the cab but also on the boxes in the bed of the truck. It's the middle of the night. I'm somewhere south of Nashville and Budget's customer service ain't worth a dime. We GPSed our way to the nearest (not so near) Wal-Mart to find a tarp. Turns out, paint drop cloths are cheaper so we got a few of those and covered the boxes. The rain had slacked up but it was still not easy to climb into this truck and cover boxes with plastic. It was kind of fun though; reminded me of rock climbing.
Anywho. The original plan was to take our time, emjoy the trip, and make some random stops. Well, when there's potential of your vehicle flooding all of that goes out of the window. Our new goal was to get to Rochester, turn in this truck, and say to hell with Budget. From Nashville on I drove while he slept, we switched, I slept while he drove. Great, huh? Tons o fun. We only stopped for gas, food, and the restroom. We finally got to Rochester on a Friday, early enough for me to get keys to my apartment. We went to unload the truck immediately.  While we were moving the couch an elderly man asked us if we needed any help. He said he had some moving tools we could use. When the couch didn't fit in the doorway he insisted we call his wife, Helga, to come help. "She's a genius with things like this," he says. Sure guy. Go get the wife.  Needless to say the couch didn't fit. It was simply too large. But she gave it a good try. Took the door off the hinges and everything. We ended up moving that couch to Penny's apt and eventually gave it to a fellow soldier who had no furniture.
When I went to return the truck I discussed the leak issue. They couldn't do anything because I returned it to a satellite location at Pep Boys, but gave me the number to call.  Which I did. This woman (I use that term because it's the most polite) tells me she can knock 15% off....no madam. You can do more than that. I asked for a higher power. She rerouted me. This one told me to file with their insurance. And she can give me 15% off. Insurance, yes. 15%, no. Higher power. I was rerouted until I reached the corporate office, with whom I left a very detailed message. Then called insurance.  I ended up getting a check from their insurance company for my damaged items. When corporate called me back she says "Since we've had issues with this truck before...." ummm.....why is this truck still on the road if you have issues with it?? Retire it! She gave me 45%. So essentially, my move was free. Thanks Budget. But I ain't tryna use y'all again.
So before I'd moved to Rochester I'd been trying to find a job, full time, part time, any time so I wasn't solely with loans. I hadn't found anything so I told Jesus I'd watch Him work. I was on the sidewalk one day and the old man that helped with the sofa saw me and started to talk to me. Asked why I moved and what school and program I was in. Turns out Bill was a patent lawyer recruiter. And he hired graduate students to update his databases and asked if I was available to start tomorrow. In his office that was right next to my apartment building. Look. At. God. He spoils me and I thank Him. So now I'm in Rochester, starting school with this part time job, ready to continue our not-as-long-of-a-distance relationship.

My soldier returns

Ok. Back to the story.  After December there's nothing to tell until March.  He went back to Afghanistan so things were pretty much the same as they were July-December. He came back to the States in March. I felt terrible that I could not be there to welcome him home. In my mind, he would be the only soldier there without someone to hug him. Granted that's probably not true, but I live in my mind so it was true to me. On top of that, when he got back the Army had some things messed up so he had nowhere to stay. He was a homeless lonely veteran. How bad does that suck? I called around Watertown to find him an available hotel, they were booked up because of people there to welcome their soldiers. And I wanted to send him something. So question. What do you send a man?? I don't find flowers as meaningful to men...or chocolates. If there was a food place that delivered that I knew he'd like I probably would've done that. So seriously comment, and tell me what to send a man. I have this issue far too often.  I settled on an Edible Arrangement. It was nice to be able to send him something other than a box of survival foods and heat warmers. And he liked it, so I felt like I earned some brownie points.

In Rochester before my interview

In March I traveled to Rochester to tour the university and interview for grad school. Since it was only 2.5 ish hours from Watertown, Penny came down to see it with me. Lowkey, I was excited to get to spend a weekend alone with him before he went home because I got all the attention. We stayed at my aunt's condo. Except that snow was on the ground, it reminded me a lot of Birmingham. The school was nice. Small. I wanted a smaller grad program for networking purposes so it was fitting. And we were able to explore Rochester. My interview went extremely well.  Of course I got into the program and accepted.   It was an 11 month program so for a year I would be much closer to him.  A drastic change from the previous year.

A lot happened in April. There was a weekend in Starkville, of course. Although it was not nearly as enjoyable as usual for me. It was the weekend of Blue & White week. We hadn't hung out with friends since we don't really have any mutual friends. He invited me to come to one of their parties. When I got there it was crowded outside and I called him to come get me.  He thought I meant from my friends apartment but I was at the door.  And he never came so I was pushed around by these kids trying to get into this party. Ugh. I got so mad and I left. We ended up having an argument that resulted in: Don't invite me to any more parties. At this point in our relationship we were great at arguing but not so great at reconciling. This is one of the things that has drastically evolved for us. We have reached a point now where disagreements are discussed and sorted out to make us both happy or content. It's not about 'winning' because if you win and your partner loses and is still pissed at you, are you really winning? I mean what's the point in that? You won't always be happy. There will be times you have to give up what you want for the sake of the other. And there will be arguments. But you learn to grow with each other and handle things maturely. To be clear, that did not happen after this particular argument but it did eventually happen.

Ziplining in Puerto Rico

We took a trip to Puerto Rico! It was great. I so want to go back and we have already decided we will...at some point.  And it was incredibly affordable. We flew from ATL for about $300 roundtrip.  And reserved a pool house via www.homeaway.com or www.flipkey.com for $75 a night. I don't remember which but I remember looking through both sites. We did a kayaking, hiking, zipline adventure. People say "black people don't do that" but eff y'all. I like outdoors stuff. It's fun, challenging, and healthy, so I do all of that. We went to the casino even though we aren't gamblers. I play penny slots...haha how appropriate. Went to the beach, mall...there's was a lot going on.  Old San Juan is beautiful.  We didn't find a Thai restaurant but the food was good anyway. I can't even detail this trip properly to give it justice.  There was a drunk cowboy at one of the bars we went to. He told us he came to PR from Texas...on his horse.... And Tharius continued to talk to this man just to laugh at him. We met people on the streets that complimented Tharius on  his beautiful wife because we looked so in love and perfect for each other.  In literature, we call this foreshadowing.  When we got back to ATL we found a Thai restaurant :-) Not as good as NOLA but was still a nice place.

The kids playing at the lake

We went to Tombigbee Park in Tupelo with the kids. He had not seen them since December and I'd never met his son. He thought I was 16. LOL how awkward...but his daughter did correct him and tell him I was daddy's girlfriend. We rented a cabin on the lake for a couple of days, so it was a little family vacation. I felt like a stepmother.  We went to the grocery store and made dinner and breakfast. Somehow we had a hula hoop contest....in no change from my childhood I suck at hula hoop! LOL But his son and I can arm hula hoop like beasts! His daughter is clearly the hula hooper in the family. His dad came up and went fishing for a little while. We went to a car show/fair. I enjoy fairs and festivals too. I think I just like being outside. The kids got their faces painted and played games. We got several compliments on our lovely family.  And how nice it was to see parents out with their kids. Again, foreshadowing. For it to be just a weekend, we did a lot. What I like most is there was no TV or video games.  Ideally, this is what I want my family to be like. Enjoying time with each other, being active. Not everyday, but often enough to value family over video games or phone calls or text messages. It was nice to see him interact with his kids and me sharing this idea of family. Recalling this weekend makes me excited to join a family with him. It's truly one of my favorite memories from our relationship. It makes me happy I said yes.

Hula hoop contest

You get what you pray for

This isn't really a chronological post, but it's something I wanted to share. I am a lot of things when it comes to my fiance' (and some of my friends). Possessive, stingy, selfish....I believe males and females to be exactly who they are.  Meaning, if s/he has no loyalties to you don't expect particular considerations to your feelings. I, therefore, do not expect a person not in my relationship to respect it or my feelings.  I also never believed in having one boyfriend until about college....and even then there were rather specific terms that made a guy deserving of all of my attention. This has nothing to do with sexual attention because I am very particular about that, but more like conversations, dates, flirting, attention.  Anyways, I was forced to look at the evolution of our relationship recently.  I did not like it, initially.  You know how you pray for certain things causing you to go through something you do not enjoy to get what you want? Ex: Praying for patience brings trials that work patience so that you become more patient.  Well, imagine what you get when you pray for an appreciation, respect, everlasting love for your significant other. Because that's what I do. So, I came across some things that proved the unstable beginnings of our relationship. It hurt. But honestly, how many people enter a relationship with all loyalties on the table? I don't. You don't  know that this person is your future husband/wife.  You're not in love with this person, at best you're in deep like and a possible strong lust. But love is a stretch.  So when you uncover things from a time that borders the single life, you may not be so pleased with it. I had to think about my last 3 years....it's really been 3 years.  In year one we both would have things that we could be rightfully upset over. But is it right to be so upset with year ONE and not acknowledge years 2 and 3? No. Because, like I said, few loyalties are developed. All day I thought about the growth, how far we've come, the things love has been built on.  We are alike in some ways that allow me to view things from different perspectives when necessary.  And as the day progressed I found that love and respect I pray for.  Neither of us have been perfect especially in the beginnings of this thing.  But we have grown into a love, respect, complete honesty that has strengthened our relationship to what it is now. In the end, I am glad we have both grown out of our past hangups and hurts and into each other's needs.  He fills my gaps.  Although, because of that possessive, stingy thing there are some people I will always look at sideways, but never will they be threats.  I don't tend to like people once I dislike them...but since I never have to interact with these cats that's okay. I do, however, grow into apathy so they'll be there eventually.  The point is to always be aware of what you pray for.  God will remind you if you pay attention.  In the moment I felt like saying and doing some things I likely would have regret, He kindly reminded me in order to appreciate the growth/development of something, you have to be reminded of the starting point. Gotta love when He puts me in check. I am aware and I am ever grateful.

Rest and Relaxation

Home from Afghanistan

December was really just a teaser.  He was home for two weeks for R&R and then went back to Afghanistan.  R&R just happened to be during Christmas. I went to Mississippi to see him and meet his family. I was nervous, but I’m not really sure why.  I love fathers.  I am definitely a daddy’s girl. No one can ever replace my daddy, but ideally I want to feel for my father-in-law some of what I feel for my daddy.  Well, his dad is great. I absolutely love him. Tharius has a great, welcoming family as well as an adorable daughter.  I was initially nervous to meet her also because he had told me how important his kids were in his relationship.  Understandable. Parents should be protective of their kids and highly conscious of who they date and bring into their kids’ lives.  He also has a son, but I didn’t get a chance to meet him on this visit.

My future father-in-law

During his visit, Tharius planned a trip to New Orleans.  He’s a huge Lakers fan and they were playing the Hornets. I’m not really into basketball at all, but I am a big fan of NOLA. We stayed at the Waldorf. I’m already used to staying in nicer hotels, but this is where he set the bar for himself.  From here on out we must take nice trips and stay in nice hotels. Since this was such a short trip there’s not really much else to tell.  It was the first time we spent time together as a couple. The game was fun. And I did try to get into basketball after that…it wasn’t happening. I just don’t have an interest.

At the Lakers v Hornets game

Oh we went to a Thai restaurant. I started liking Thai when I lived in LA; he discovered it in Jackson. I had Pad Thai and he had Pineapple Chicken. It was so good. I really wish I remembered the name of that restaurant. It’s near a mall…. Anyways, now whenever we find a new Thai restaurant (especially on vacation) we must have those same dishes. So it’s not really that we like Thai food; we like those two dishes. And we haven’t found a spot as good as that one yet. We originally wanted to serve Thai food at our reception because of this tradition we have. It was proving to be too difficult in Birmingham so we scratched that.

This visit was the first time I actually felt like I had a boyfriend. Up until this point it was just all virtual.  Realistically, I can’t say I was in love with him. I’d hardly spent any time with him. But I was very fond of him. He must have been fond of me too because he chose to stay with me despite offers from others. At the risk of being a little cocky, I’m gonna say he definitely made the right decision on that.

In a way this was teaching me a lot about myself, my expectations, my faith…. It takes a lot of strength to be in a relationship like this. Fortunately I had a renewed spiritual relationship and prayer works. My life was going in several positive directions and I am still grateful. 

Summer 2010: Officially official

The last time I saw him before his deployment

The rest of the summer was slightly uneventful.  Penny came home in June and we ended up in Starkville again with separate friends, again.  He’d gotten orders to deploy to Afghanistan, so this was his last time to spend with his friends and family before he went. I had no intentions of going to Starkville that weekend. In fact, I was celebrating a birthday in Tuscaloosa and ended up driving over to Starkville. We didn’t see much of each other, so he came to stay with me in Birmingham the night before he left.  We talked about where the relationship was headed and what we wanted. But didn’t officially become a couple.  I was ok with that. He was going overseas. Though he told me he didn’t want me to, I was planning to continue to date.  In fact, I’d met some guys I was starting to date and reconnected with one I’d dated just after college.

The day or two he was traveling to Afghanistan, I got a message from the other girl.  She told me they had spent time together in Starkville a few weeks before. She didn’t want to be led on by him and some other things that don’t really belong on this blog.  I was upset, not because of the time he’d spent with her, because he had lied to me about it. I explained to her that he and I were not a couple.  The fact that she even knew of my relationship with him meant he wasn’t really leading her on.  If she wanted to end things with him she should do that on her own.  She didn’t need me for that; she’d already told him she didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. So what did she expect him to do exactly? Wait until she was ready? That’s not really how these things go. So either be with him or be without him. After talking to her, I talked to Penny. He’d arrived in Kuwait. I told him about my conversation (I actually emailed him the entire thing) and how I felt about it. I also let him know that I was planning to continue to date whether he wanted me to or not. This is definitely the short version of this story. The gist is that there were men in my life I had to choose between and women in his. It came down to whether we wanted to be together or not.  July 1, 2010 we officially became a couple from continents away.

Little happys that helped me make it the first 6 months

The first six months were tough and full of Skype sessions, Yahoo! Messenger, FB chat, FB PDA, care packages, and letters.  I had a boyfriend I didn’t see from July to December.  Plenty of things happened in those six months. I had to learn to be a girlfriend all over again, which (I admit) I wasn’t really that great at in the first place. Honestly, I had one boyfriend I had not cheated on. Ironically, he’s the only boyfriend I can prove cheated on me. You reap what you sow right? I also like to do things on a whim sometimes. You can’t really do that when your bf is in Afghanistan and you’re in Alabama. It would irritate me so bad. I spent all my time going out with my friends because they made it easier. But I would then be accused of partying too much. There were plenty of times I wanted to give up on it.  The ups and downs were incredibly noticeable.  For me, the downs were really far down because he wasn’t here to bring me back up. Despite the odds, I made it to December.